Comedy Road Diary .: Al Romas :.

33

6-26-04 4:16PM

Enjoyed the rare night off last night so where did we go. To a Comedy Club. The reason was Bobby Slayton was performing and I have always enjoyed watching him do his thing. Last night was no different although after 50 minutes or so I started to get bored. I don't know why guys think they have to do an hour or more. 45-50 is plenty of someone. I hear stories about Leno doing 2 hours. Christ, that must be horrible. I don't even want to do something that feels good for 2 hours. Shut up already. Anyway, Slayton made me laugh although the guy seems more miserable than ever. He was doing Thurs-Sunday when he use to do Fri/Sat only. The guy has a resume that most comics would kill for and he still can't draw flies to a club. Bobby Jewel, the owner of Side Splitters, and I were talking about what comics can draw a crowd. We really couldn't come up with any. If a guy can draw, then he's out of the clubs and into theaters. Dave Chappelle is doing club dates and selling out but that is due to his show on Comedy Central. He also does theaters and I think is doing the clubs to get an HBO special ready. I see in some clubs he is doing 3 shows. 3 one hour shows is really quite an effort. I use to do 3 at Chuckles on Long Island on a Saturday night. The first show was at 7:15pm and sucked because it was a dinner show. Difficult task to make someone with a mouth full of filet mignon laugh. 2nd show at 9:15pm was good. Sold out room, nice people. 3rd show at 11:45 was a nightmare. Drunken idiots who had nowhere else to go, head to the club and try to heckle. They end up looking retarded and then head to a diner for cheeseburgers, fries and gravy. I was watching the Seinfeld movie, 'Comedian' on DVD and listening to his and Colin Quinns' commentary. When he decides to try out his act at Governors Comedy Cabaret in Levittown Long Island he says, 'Governors, that's really Alabama. Those people are everything you didn't want to become.' I don't miss the 3 shows on a Sat on Long Island.

That's all I have today. Really, that's it. I'm watching the Yankees and can't think of anything else. Stop bugging me to update this thing. You'll get words when I want to give them to you.

32

5-30-04 1:45PM

I have to say, I am a little dissapointed at the people who read this crap for not getting the line 'there are many stars out tonight. I am under the brightest.' It's from a great episode of M*A*S*H. Hawkeye, Radar, Col. Potter and Frank Burns are stranded in an old bus and take a Korean hostage. Frank is outside speaking into a broken radio trying to give cooridantes. Hence the line. By the way, Larry Linville rocked as old Farrot face. I don't think he ever got the props he deserved. Another poor bastard who walked from a hit show.His manager should have been shot. Speaking of great television, was saddened to hear of the passing of Tony Randall. You could cancel everything that is on today and re-run M*A*S*H and The Odd Couple and that would be fine with me. Oh, and throw in All in the Family too.

I just bought 'Rust Never Sleeps' on CD. I have it somewhere on vinyl but recently felt the need to hear it again. How great is Neil Young? I love the fact that whenever he puts out an album and people really dig it, he quickly shifts gears and gives them something completely different the next time. I remember buying 'Trans' many years ago and wondering 'what the fuck is this?' I just read 'Shakey' his bio and recommend it highly.

Wrapping up a week at McCurdy's Comedy Theater in Sarasota, Florida. It's been good to have the freedom of the club stage again. The only downside is having to sit through the other acts. Christ, do they suck. I'll leave out the names of the guilty but I've been doing this a long time and these 2 are the worst I've come across in years. When I would rather walk around outside in 100% humidity than be in an air-conditioned club, you know they suck. The crowds have been pretty good considering it is a holiday weekend and the Tampa Bay Lightning are in the Stanley Cup Finals. I read that the Lightning/Flames ratings fell below reruns of the Cosby Show and Full House. Let's be honest. People just don't give a shit about Hockey. Especially in June. How long is that season? Yanks are in first and Boston should start their swoon anytime now.

Let me go. I have a show in 8 hours. I've got to get my head together. Happy Memorial Day...

31

5-15-04 9:22PM

I just came across a story about 2 morning radio morons named Marconi and Tiny and feel the need to spew. It seems they found some comedy in the beheading of one Nick Berg. I guess they had gone through the morning DJ manual and came up dry so while eating their Egg McMuffins and spilling stale coffee on the USA Today, they thought they would work 'topical.' Morning DJ's have to be the gutter rot on the showbusiness totem pole. These are guys who desperately want in to the showbiz club but because of nature's cruelty, cannot be seen in public. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that 'Tiny' is roughly 350 lbs, sporting a 1970's bad coiff and wearing a hideous beard to cover up the unsolved acne problem of youth. Marconi is the 'brains' of the operation. Probably living in a Motel 6 waiting for the next ratings book to come out to see if he still has the gig or has to move on and bring his cow bell and assorted colorful shirts to the next unsuspecting town. He sits naked in room 201 at night watching Howard Stern on 'E' and mastutbates. There are only 2 guys who make money in morning radio. The mentioned Stern and Don Imus. That's it. Everyone else is a hack who is living one step ahead of the collection agency. They are on dead beat Dad lists throughout all 50. To pick up an extra $100 (cash) they will MC local concerts or show up at a car lot and do the morning show from the parking lot. A few curious listeners will look in to see what these cretins look like. Once seen, they will never turn in again.

It appears these two have been fired for their little comedy antics. Oh well. I'm sure there is an ex morning man now 'program director' at some 20,000 watt shithole that will hire them and they can begin their shtick all anew. Good luck scummers. I won't be listening for you.

Where do I get my info you ask? Well, I have been on over 50 or more morning shows promoting whatever comedy club I was in town performing at over the years. Believe me, these are not the guys you want to be in a small booth with at 6:30am. Old beer farts permeate the cylinder and the smell of greasy take out food is overwhelming. Then you get to sit there and try to get in a few jokes as these assholes attempt to top you. They'll usually get your name wrong on purpose and then never correct it. I once did a morning show in upstate NY, many years ago. I had a horrible hangover and the other comic, a new kid, asked if he could come along. Sure, please, be my guest. He brought his guitar and ended up taking over the show. I sat in the corner with my Yankees cap over my eyes while he did impressions and songs. Name of Jimmy Fallon. Wonder what ever became of him?

I also had the pleasure of working at an FM station in Virginia years ago. Fresh out of the Navy, I found a free form station that was in a late 60's time warp. Run by a bunch of old hippies it was a great place to hang out, play records and get paid. (horribly embarassing amount). I did overnights where there were times I was sure the only listener was my future brother in law who was 9 cans of Busch beer in and calling to request Black Sabbath. It's an weird feeling sitting in the middle of the woods of Chesapeake, Virgina at 3:30am, playing records in a small old house that was now called WOFM and wondering if anyone is out there. I finally had to quit the record spinning biz for the glory of stand up. I realized I could make $100 a weekend telling jokes as opposed to $85 staying up all night and playing Pat Travers records. The kid ain't stupid.

Anyway, I hope Marconi and Tiny get what is truly coming to them. A lifetime of greeting the dregs at Wal-Mart and living in their own funk.

Goodnight. You've been great!

30

5-06-04 1:38AM

It's Cinco De Mayo. That means I have been writing this shit for over a year as I remember coming home from Vegas and posting some nonsense. My God, where has the time gone? Tonight I stocked up on supplies and made many a delicious margarita for my wife and friend, Mickey Finn. Finn is to Val and I what Elliot Mintz was to John and Yoko. They had one friend who they would invite to the Dakota for New Years Eve or other such holidays. We tend to do the same. While we have other friends, we just enjoy the company of Mike and he fits in nicely with our plans for the evening. They usually include lots of booze and Val scurring about the kitchen whipping up various snacks. A splendid time was had by all.

Was glad to see George Huff get booted off Idol tonight. Enough already. Put a handle on that mug. That humble act was getting sickening. While my sister, Linda, has been a fan of the show since the beginning, I am new to it. I really don't see any 'talent' so far but I would guess LaToya will walk with the prize. Barino seems a little too street and I don't think there are enough tone deaf Don Ho fans to continue the assualt that is Jasmine Trias.

I have jumped on the Tampa Bay Lightning bandwagon, big time. We go up against Philly on Sat, having swept the Habs. I use to be a NY Ranger fan and remember many nights on the LIRR after a game with a few Bud Tall Boys in my lap, a salty pretzel and the NY Post. Suddenly I would be jolted awake by the conducter as I had beer on my pants, my paper stolen and had missed my stop by a half hour. Nothing like waiting for the train to take you back to where you should have departed. Especially with men boarding going into NYC after a night's sleep. Suddenly I'm the whore of Babylon, just moaning and groaning and waiting for that Massapequa stop to be called.

'There are many stars out tonight. I am under the brightest.'

Let me know if you know the reference...

29

5-01-04 4:23PM

Ah, nice to be back on solid footing. I went out and did a couple of Princess cruises. God they want a lot of time. Did 4 shows in 5 days which isn't a lot but had to do different material. All clean. Makes doing 45 in a comedy club look like a booger. Got a chance to see my old friend, Jeff Wayne, aka Big Daddy. It's been a while since I've seen him. We met sometime around 1990 at the Calaridge Casino in Atlantic City. They had a comedy room that was booked out of Florida. Not really sure how I got the gig, maybe my agent got it for me. If I had an agent at that time. Anyway, I remember the room being a lounge and not an easy one. I was opening and doing about 25 mins. Poorly, I might add. I really had no business being in Atlantic City in front of a bunch of old biddies waiting on for the bus and pissed off about losing the electric bill in the nickel slots. My act consisted of bits about coming home drunk and cooking a frozen pizza at 3:00am only to fall asleep in the chair and be awoke by my dad in his boxer shorts yelling at me. Wait a second, why the hell did I ever drop that beauty? Anyway, the room at the Claridge eventually vanished and a year or two later I found my way to the Comedy Stop at the Trop where I have been popping in a few times a year, ever since.

Seeing guys I haven't seen in awhile is the one thing I like about working the ships. Oh, and the bread. The bread too. That's really what I like. On a recent cruise I ran into Joey Van. I usually work with Joey once or twice a year. Funny guy. He was part of a comedy team and appeared on the Joey Bishop Show, Merv Griffen, etc. That just sounds a lot cooler than saying I was on Carolines Comedy Hour or Star Search.

Tomorrow night I am back in my favorite Sunday night bar gig in a strip mall in Sarasota, Florida. Yes, it's Comedy Night at Gekko's. One never knows what to expect at Gekko's. If you are new to this site, go back and read a post from a few months ago detailing a night at Gekko's. It's the classic bar gig that I shouldn't even bother with anymore but can't get it out of my system. Plus, the drinks are free.

I hope this posting will satisfy the 3 of you who read this nonsense and request updates. That's my time. Let me go...

28

4-06-04 4:38PM

What a new entry? I can't believe it myself. Where the hell have I been? What have I been doing? Let's see. About 10 days ago I flew into BWI (Baltimore/Washington airport for the travel impaired). I left the ranch at 5:00am and arrived BWI around 11:30am. No, it wasn't a direct flight. For some reason or another, I really wanted to see the Kentucky airport and felt like this was the time. When I did land I made it over to the Avis counter for my reserved car. Upon getting to the space marked A-16, I noticed a nice big empty space. I started to do the Steve Martin pissed off dance from 'Planes, Trains and Automobiles.' Why the hell would I expect a car I reserved to be sitting in it's space? I went back to the counter and proceeded to vent to the Avis girl. She quickly upgraded my wheels and got rid of me.This was a smart move as I was dead tired and in no mood to hear any bullshit. This time the ride was where it was supposed to be and I was off to Maryland to see my Sister/Mom and my two nieces, Hannah and Olivia. Had some lunch then had to hit the road to get to Tyson's Corner, Va for a show at WiseAcres. I've been to this joint a few times before. It's a nice room located in the hotel that houses the comics. That is very important. In my old age there is nothing worse than having to drive or walk to the gig. Fuck that. I like to take the elevator a few flights down and then tell my jokes.

After the show, I again hit the road and made it back to Maryland. My bro-in-law, Jim was waiting for me with strong drink. I brought some stogies and it was time to play darts till I couldn't tell the difference between the board and the back of Jim's dome. I crashed on the couch and was rudely awaken at 0600, as we planned on going fishing that am. The town had tagged some fish and had a tournament going on that day. Some $15,000 in prize money. Well, the day turned into a dreary drenched affair as the rain never really let up. We caught nada. Not even a buzz. I soon hightailed it back to Tyson's Corner and my room at the Best Western. Two shows that night. Jim brought a couple of neighbors to the show. After the show, one friend, Patrick told me he hadn't laughed like that since 20 years ago when he was tripping in the Swiss Alps. I live for compliments like that.

I again made it back to Maryland on Sunday and repaired with family. The next day it was back in the rental and off to Atlantic City. Nothing like AC in the dead of winter. Actually it was the beginning of spring but felt and looked like the dead of winter. Low temps, rain. Still the old bags were out in full force in the casinos. There must be something about seeing AC before you die. The boardwalk looks like a hospital ward. My sister, Linda brought some friends down on Tuesday. They came to the show and then we had drinks. Always good to see Linda somehere outside her usual element. Later in the week, Val's cousin Jen and her fiance, Keith made it down with Jen's brother Johnny and his girlfriend. After the show we all went down to the Showboat and imbibed a bit. Quite a bit.

Monday a.m. I hit the road. Back to Maryland for lunch with my Mom, sister and nieces. Then a delayed SouthWest fight to Tampa. Somehow during the course of the road trip I managed to get a viral infection and have been coughing like a 40 year chain smoker on his way out. I've got a few days to recover before venturing out again. Time to get some of that Florida sun and get well.
See ya on the road...

27

2-07-04 8:29PM

What the hell are they doing in the Hyacinth House? I just don't get it. The lion is in his cage. Okay, but what is really going on? Sorry. Been listening to a lot of The Doors lately. I get into these weird 60's band things. It was The Who for awhile and now it's Jim and the boys. If you haven't checked out The Wasp (Texas Radio and the Big Beat) in awhile then I wonder what the hell you have been doing and suggest you slap on a pair of phones and dig it.

I can't believe it's almost a year since I've been to Vegas. I need to go and will on 2/16-22. Comedy Stop at the Trop, fella. 14 shows in 7 nights. Yeah! I need to get up there and curse and let the dick jokes fly. The cruise ships are good bread but can be a bit constricting. Though I did get to hang out with Kelly Montheith last week. Great guy. One of the real pros. He recently wrote and directed a film, ' A Lousy 10 Grand' and is in the editing process. If it comes around your hood or your video shelf, check it out. What the hell am I doing? Giving orders today? I'm telling you what to watch and what to listen to. My bad. Do what the hell you want to do. What do I care. My agent, Tom, will be joining me in Vegas for the weekend. I bet we drink some beer. Haven't seen the old boy in quite some time. Reminds me of an old showbiz joke that I will now share with you. An actor comes home and finds his wife on the floor. She has been raped and the place robbed. She can barely speak. He runs to her. "Honey, who, who did this to you?" "Your agent." she slowly speaks. "Who?" "Your agent." The actor stands up, "My agent came to the house?"

When does baseball start? I'm bored with sports at the moment. Nice to see Pudge sign with the Tigers. Yeah, good job dude. Leave the team you helped win a World Series so you can collect a bigger paycheck on the leagues worst team. Yeah, it's all about the winning, eh Pudge?

Gotta run, kids. You've been great. How about a hand for your wait staff? They're doing a great job tonight...

26

1-15-04 4:45PM

After a nice respite at the ranch, it's time to go back to work. When I am working I can't wait to get home and when I am home I want to be working. What the hell is wrong with me? If only people would come over to my house to hear jokes. That would really make things a lot easier. It reminds me of my friend Ben Creed's great line, 'This would be a great job if it wasn't for the flying and performing for you fucks.'

This is the worst time of the sports year for me. Giants, Jets, Bucs out of the playoffs. Baseball still weeks away from Spring Training. Basketball? Hockey? Who gives a shit? I use to follow the Knicks and Nets but have lost touch with them. I think it follows the idea that one is interested in sports you have played. Being a 5'8" white guy, basketball was never my game. Being unable to stand up on skates let alone hold a stick, hockey was out. Football was played mainly in the street untill someone ripped open a knee then everyone ran home before the injured kid's Mother went looking for the perp. Baseball was played forever, or at least until I saw a wicked curve ball and stepped 2 feet out of the box while the umpire yelled 'strike!' Pretty much time to get into music and beer after that.

I was planning on watching this Donald Trump reality show tonight but the more I see of him the more I want to rent a DVD. I always thought he was a dick and this is just confirming my assumption. I think I'll head to Blockbuster and look around for a half hour then come home with nothing. And if I do find something I usually find out there is a fucking late fee waiting for me for some movie we never watched. The other thing I can't stand about Blockbuster is how they say 'hi' to you as you walk in. Do I know you? Why are we speaking? By the time I hear the guy say it I am too far away from the counter to respond, even if I wanted to. It's awkward and unnecessary. As is so much of life.

Hey, you guys have been great. Don't forget to buy a CD on your way out. Good Night!

25

1-03-04 3:40PM

The cheapness of people amazes me. I just got off a New Years Cruise and spoke to a bunch of people during the week. All I heard was, 'I am going to buy your CD, will you sign it?' Yes of course I will, just buy the damn thing. Well the week came and went. Total sales, zero. Nice job folks. I don't have a problem if you don't want to buy one but please don't tell me how you enjoyed the show and intend on buying it. I find the only real way to move discs is to actually hawk them after a show. Now, I can't do that. Something about standing there after a show like a fucking peddler grates on me. Val sold some after a recent club date. I just stood there drinking a beer and acting like I wasn't really aware that they were being sold. Some guys are good at it. They will actually write a bit into their act for the purpose of CD sales. These guys generally suck.

I'm glad all the New Years bullshit is past. I hate the whole fake celebrating just because the clock has struck midnight. Anyone over the age of 12 who still insists on blowing into a noise maker needs to be smacked. Enough. Is Dick Clark still dropping the ball in Times Square? I haven't watched that in years. Obviously the only balls being dropped belong to Mr. Clark. Anyone remember the Bill Hicks bit about Dick Clark?

The first person to write to me and tell me the Hicks bit I just mentioned will receive a free CD. Either 'Comedy Hell' of 'Late Night.' Your choice. Hell, they're just clogging up my closet anyway. Good luck...

24

12-27-03 1:21PM

Watched Wesley Clark on 'The Daily Show' last night. I was thinking he might be the guy to beat Bush but couldn't believe how quickly he has become a 'politican.' He was telling those bullshit stories about how some little kid came up to him in a hospital and asked for help for his parents. Does anyone still buy this crap? It was embarrassing. I quickly tuned out and headed for safer viewing. An old 'Cops' episode will always suffice.

Watched 'Comedian' on DVD last night. If you haven't seen it, get your ass to Blockbuster or whoever you get your movies from and check it out. Very insightful into the process of crafting an act. It blows my mind that Seinfeld just buried his act and started over. I've been doing this a long time and still barely feel like I know what I am doing. I cannot imagine just starting again. I am slowly whittling away parts of my act. Some of you may be saddened to hear that the Wendys bit 'Biggie' is no more. I have shelved it. I was doing a show recently and when it came time for that bit, I just couldn't stomach saying those words anymore. Not sure why that bit as opposed to any other but I've noticed that some are just starting to slip away. The only problem is replacing them. That's where the work comes in.

I'm heading to Vegas in Feb. Check my schedule and if you are going to be around, stop by and catch a show.

I may have some interesting things to write about in the new year. Can't mention anything yet as I don't want to throw the big jinx on it. Until then, Happy New Year!

23

12-11-03 1:36AM

What a weird time to be alive. Lennon is dead 23 years. How th hell is that possible? I still remember going to bed and listening to a 'Best of the Doors' as it was also Jim Morrisons' birthday. I missed the Howard Cossel announcement. I think I'm glad about that. Went to sleep hearing Jim sing about an LA Woman and woke to find my Dad in his robe watching 'Good Morning America' with a rather sad look on his face. It was weird for him to be watching the tube at that hour. He might be showering or asleep but to be up seemed weird. I walked into the den and he just came out with it. 'Someone shot John Lennon.' Bamn. Holy shit. What the fuck are you talking about? Good morning to you too. It was a snowy day on Long Island and I ran to the front door to see the NY Daily News laying on the doorstep, somewhat covered in snow. 'John Lennon Murdered' it read. Or at least that is my recollection. Murdered? Politicians get murderd. Religious zealots get murdered. A musician who sang about his love for his wife and wanted peace?

Horribly it was all true. Things were never quite the same for me after 12/8/80. Nothing made sense anymore. I went into a weird downward spiral and still couldn't understand the murder of a fucking Beatle. Bill Hicks would go on to say "Couldn't you at least have taste? I'll drive you to Kenny Rodgers House!"

Man, 23 years. Lennon would be 63 now. Rest in peace Dr. Winston O' Boogie...

22

11-12-03 5:38PM

I get asked a lot about who my favorite comic is. That's a tough question. I don't really have a so called favorite. If I had a gun to my head and had to spit out an answer, I guess I would say Richard Pryor. No one ever made me laugh like that motherfucker. I remember sometime in 1978, my friend Chuck Stewart and I rode our bikes to the Pequa Theater to see 'Wanted: Richard Pryor Live In Concert.'This was in the day when a theater would play only one film. Yes, children, I kid you not. We were crying with laughter. I couldn't believe the things this guy was saying. I probably didn't even get half of it at that time but the stuff I got I loved. A couple days later we peddled our asses back to that theater and saw it again. I quickly went to Korvettes and bought a bunch of Pryor albums and played them quietly as not for my God fearing Mother to hear. Around the same time Steve Martin came on the scene and he did it for me in a different but still funny way. I really dug the guy in the white suit with the silly yet smart attitude. I didn't think about being a comic at that time but knew I loved that shit. SNL was a big influence as was David Letterman who had just gotten canned from his morning show on NBC. A friend and I use to skip an early class at Massapequa High School and go to his house to watch Lettermans' 10:00am show.

As I began to try to stand up comedy, I would say Seinfeld was the guy I wanted to be like. He and Jay Leno. This is the 1984 Leno that would be on Letterman once a month with his 'What's My Beef?' bit. Not the corporate lackey that dances nightly on NBC. Not sure who that bastard is. As I started to work and see who was funny, I quickly came to respect Bill Hicks. If you don't know about Bill, I suggest you educate yourself. A bio called 'American Scream' came out last year and his CDs are readily available. He was an amazingly brave comedian who really saw things with his 'third eye' and made it hilariously funny. He passed away a few years ago and is sorely missed. As for todays' comics, I don't really have anyone who can hurt me. On occasional nights, Bobby Slayton does it for me. Kevin Meaney is strong as is Doug Stanhope. Other guys that always make me laugh are Brian Regan, Pat Godwin, Tim Wilson, Jimmy Pardo, and David Feldman. I'm sure there are others but at the moment these bastards are the only ones' that come to mind. If you don't know them, seek them out. They are well worth your time.

My time is up. Enjoy your cruise.

21

11-08-03 1:54PM

If I see another reality style 'Makeover' show, someone is going to get hurt. What the hell is going on? Is there anyone who is satisfied with they way they look? I remember after 9/11 the media was saying how shallow we had become and were prone to an attack. Everyone laughed at what we thought was important at the time. The chick Ellen DeGeneres was banging was going straight. Glad to see I have forgotten her name. That was big news at the time. Now, that actually looks like an important story as compared to J-Lo and Ben or some crappy movie about the Reagans. I just don't give a shit what Alec Baldwin as to say about anything or what Bill Maher finds troublesome. Remember the line that Maher got in trouble for after 9/11? It wasn't his line. He stole it from a dead comic named Bill Hicks. Nice job, Maher. You finally get some pub and it's not even your line. Go hang out at the Playboy Mansion and stay off the tube. I'm sick of that guy. Anyway, if we were ever ready for an attack it is now. Between these 'Queer Eye' guys and 'Trading Spaces' there isn't a damn thing on the tube that is worth the time to watch. I currently have a show idea that is floating around somewhere and who knows if it will ever see the light of day.It doesn't concern a celebrity or a makeover so it's production would seem to be in serious doubt. Maybe I should develop a show where we give a girl breast implants while her living room is being redone.Yeah, we'll send her to the plastic surgeon while a bunch of gay guys redo her place. She can come home to the new digs and then flash the camera. What? It's currently running on A&E. Figures. Oh well, back to 'All in the Family' and 'M*A*S*H' reruns. Enjoy your next comic...

20

11-03-03 3:47AM

Man, is it good to be back on a comedy club stage. Just got off the Nordic Empress that did a repositioning cruise where the average age was dead. Horrible people. Not sure what happens to people as they age but the nastiness is something that hopefully can be avoided.

I did 3 shows for these people and each one was worse than the first. Most of my humor is built on sarcsam and this couldn't have been more lost on the geritol crowd. I don't even know what geritol does but I'm sure these folks were on it. This is what gave ships a bad name amongst comics. I always heard you went on in front of a bunch of old bags and died. This is not the norm. Usually, I go up in a theatre full of couples ready to have a good time but not on this venture. Mean spirited old folks for who nothing would seem funny.

Flew home on Sat and went to work at SideSplitters in Tampa. This was just what I needed. Two good shows in front of people having a good time. Valerie was there as well as a group of our friends. It's always fun to try out new jokes and 'play to the back of the room.' We even sold a few CDs.

Tonight (Sunday) was a milestone as I broke out my impressions. You heard me right. Actually, you read me right. Ya had to be there. John Lithgow from 'Raising Cain' Geneve Bujold from 'Coma' and Brad Pitt from 'Teh Devils' Own' all brought home by yours truly. The crowd seemed stunned and yet not amazed. Just stunned. Come on! When was the last time you heard Lithgow from 'Cain?' Scarface? Sure. Arnold? Of course, but Bujold from 'Coma?' I think not. I'm exhausted. Goodnight....

19

10-29-03 12:35PM

Okay, yes, the Yankees lost. At least they were there. How many other teams can say that? Year after year they at least show up and try to get to the Series. I had a feeling after Game 7 against the Sox that they might have a bit of a hangover. I know I did. And not just from the Heineken I consumed while watching. That just seemed like the real series. You have to give them credit though. This is not the same team from the 'glory years' of the late 90s but still they plug in new guys and make a run. Think Anaheim is going to be back anytime soon? Arizona anyone? Doubt it. But the Yanks will be there again next year and again and again. Can't win every year. I understand that. But at least my team competes in Oct. By the way, the Mets were just mathematically eliminated from next years post season.

I flew into Aruba last night. Why? Not sure. Actually I am working on the Nordic Empress, my home away from home. Here for a few days then gigging at Side Splitters in Tampa. Any Tampa folks reading this, come out and see a show. I'll be there 11/2-3. And would it kill you to buy a CD?

They're giving me the light...

18

10-24-03 1:04PM

I remember working with Jerry Seinfeld some years back. I brought up the subject of 'Hell Gigs', which are the absolute worst shows a comic can have. They can be anything from a show at a dive bar to a high paying corporate show. He told me he has no memory of his Hell Gigs. It's not that he hasn't had them, he just doesn't remember them. He was amazed that comics always remember and talk about their worst shows and not their best shows. I like the theory of that but somehow can never apply it. I still remember my Hell Gigs and like to talk about them with other comics. Speaking of which, I had one last night.

I was booked to do 45 minutes at the JW Marriott in Orlando. Beautiful hotel. The group was a bunch of bankers who do financing for some construction group. This was the amount of info I received. Val and I arrived and met the agent. The room was a smallish meeting room with about 7 tables of 8 people. Mostly men with a few women scattered about. My contact was a guy named Rob. I met Rob in the hallway about 10 minutes before 'showtime.' I knew immediately that something was askew. He began with 'okay, let me tell you about some of the guys and then you can start picking on them.' What? Who am I Don Rickles? This cat wanted me to rip apart his co-workers. A bunch of middle aged folks who were having a few cocktails and then getting up early to play golf. The last thing they needed was some comic to come in and give them shit about what they were wearing or their thinning hairline. I nodded at this knucklehead and then checked out the room. Ouch. Small riser stage at one end and a huge spotlight at the other. Rob then went on and began to dull away. He then butchered my intro (nothing new) and welcomed me to a smattering of applause. I never know why these type of groups think they need a comedian for their evening. It's a small collection of people who would much rather have a few pops and tell their own dirty jokes. Anyway, I walk up the two steps and begin my 45 minutes of hell. As I begin, I notice immediately that my opening remarks are hitting the deck like Don Zimmer getting tossed by Pedro. I can see Val sitting in the back and I play to her. The bartender is yucking it up and I get a few chuckles from the 'crowd' but not a lot. I then decide to start going after the crowd, a la ,Robs' suggestion. Mistake! These people do not want to play. After a quick give and take with the 'Boss', he let's me know in no uncertain terms, 'I'm through with you.' Perfect. Okay. Time to shift to autocomic and ride this one out.

45 minutes thankfully comes to it's conclusion and I leave the riser stage. A couple of folks say 'Nice Job' but I am in too much of a hurry to get the hell out of there and into the car. It's like the old adage. When a comic does well, you can't get him to leave and when he bombs, you can't find him. I don't feel like I really bombed but it was just not the setting for comedy. Oh well. There is a fat check coming my way and after scribbling this, I am purging it from the memory banks, as Mr. Seinfeld so instructed. Thanks for reading...

17

10-21-03 11:26AM

After what may have been the most exiting baseball game I ever saw, Game 7 of the Yanks/Sox series, Game 1 seemed like an afterthought. I watched it from the living room of my sisters' house in Maryland. We had just come from 'Blues Night' which I hosted. Pretty impressive showing of talent in Sykesville, Md. The Episcopalians were in a party mood and the beer and wine was flowing. Linda and Jim even performed the Beatles tune 'You've Got to Hide Your Love Away.' Words here won't do it justice. Luckily it's all on tape. Jim with his voice shot and Linda after a few White Zins,well, it was the hit of the night. My little comedy stylings could do nothing to approach the laughs they got. If the lawyer thing and the nurse thing doesn't work out, look for them at your local 'Comedy Pouch.'

Game 3 tonight. I'd like to see Mussina show up and pitch a full game a la Andy Pettite. I know the Yanks don't score any runs for the guy but he always looks like he could give up a 3 run homer at any moment. I wish they had Pettite locked up and Mussina a free agent at years end. Show me something Moose!

Doing a corporate gig at Disney on Thursday. As documented here previous, these things are a crapshoot. All I know is it's in a big ballroom. I'll probably follow 'the funny guy at work' who will have had a few too many gin and tonics and then butcher my name and sloppily hand off the microphone to me. Whatever. Pay me.

That's it for now. Don't you people work?

16

10-15-03 11:52AM

Today is a great day to be a baseball fan. The Yanks can put away the Red Sox and keep the curse alive and then the Cubs do battle with their own demons tonight. While I would love to see a rematch of Clemens/Pedro, I'd just assume the Yanks finish the Sox off today and rest up for the World Series. If somehow the Cubs choke and lose to the Fish, I would recommend that the fan who interfered with the foul ball last night throw his possesions in his car and head south. He will be welcomed as a hero in Miami. His life as he knows it will be over in Chicago. At least Jeffrey Maier helped his team. If you don't know who I speak of, well, there isn't much I can do for you.

Back from 3 days aboard the Navigator. Tim Pipers' Beatle band Revolution was on board. They rocked as usual. No, I am not stalking Mr. Piper. Mere coincidence. We all traveled from St. Thomas to Miami yesterday. Have you been to the St. Thomas airport? No? Well, you don't know what you are missing. Brutal $7.50 cheeseburgers and a $4.00 USA Today. Gotta love the Caribbean.

Going to Maryland to host 'Blues Night' at my sisters' church. Not sure how my particular brand of comedy will go over in the Parrish House but it's a chance to see my nieces and hang with the family. It'll also be fun to watch the Yanks in the World Series this weekend. Did I just throw down a huge jinx? Will this come back to haunt me? I'm not worried. That's it. Don't forget to tip your waitress. Good Night!

15

10-4-03 11:25PM

Had the pleasure of attending a John Lennon tribute show called 'Working Class Hero.' Val surprised me with the tickets and it turned out I knew the star of the show, Tim Piper, from the ships.(See picture on Photo Page). He has a Beatle band when he is sailing called 'Revolution' but this show was strictly his, featuring John Lennon music only. It's always fun and a little weird to attend a tribute show. Val had never been and didn't know what to expect. I've always been a fan of these. I've seen a lot of Beatle bands as well as tributes to the Doors, Stones and Grateful Dead. When I was young I would go to a bar called 'Good Times' in Massapequa and get hammered and watch 'La Woman' a Doors band. The lead singer was named Beau Hulse and resembled Morrison at the end of his life. Basically a fat guy with a beard in leather pants. At one show, during intermission, I was using the john and Hulse walked in. I was stunned that I was standing next to 'Jim Morrison'. I asked if I could buy him a beer and was shocked that he said yes. Turned out, Jim Morrison, sold used cars by day in Suffolk County. Illusions were shattered on that summer night in '80. Anyway, the same kind of people attended this show. After a blistering version of ' I am the Walrus' a girl shouted out 'I Love you John!' Even Tim seemed confused by it. After the show there was a private party for the subscribers to the theater. Val and I were invited in and hung with the guys for awhile. Very bizarre scene as people chatted up 'John' aka Tim. We said hi and then split. A little too surreal for me. I wonder what Lennon would say if he could see this scene? I remember what he said at the opening of Beatlemania in NYC. "I thought it was great. I just wasn't sure who was me." That's all my time...

14

9-29-03 10:25AM

Spent the day watching the NFL from cabin 4169 on the Navigator of the Seas. This ship is really incredible. It features the worlds' largest theater afloat as well as a wine bar, steak house, Italian restauant, ice skating rink and rock climbing wall. I'm only on for 3 days which is especially nice. I flew to Miami on Sat. Friday night Valerie and I went to dinner and then stopped by SideSplitters to watch Tim Wilson. If you don't know who Tim Wilson is, I suggest you find out. Funny man. I had worked with him the night before but enjoyed it so much I wanted to see him again. Anyway, Tim had a great show then we all repaired to the bar for what was supposed to be a 'drink.' Ah, the infamous 'drink.' Not exactly sure what time we crawled out of there but the alarm at 7:45am seemed mighty rude.

As for football, I was sorry to see the Jets go to 0-4. As I noted a few weeks ago, I always feel bad for Jets fans. It can't be easy. Especially when Parcells comes into NJ and beats you, just like he did the Giants. This is a great time of year for a sports fan. NFL and MLB playoffs going at the same time. Yanks/Twins start on Tuesday. I will be watching.

13

9-25-03 11:25AM

I've actually been home a week. Can't believe it. I've done two gigs since being home. They have been as different as night and day.

The first was a corporate show for Chrysler. This is where a company has a big dinner/award evening and wants to pay a comedian to come in and make them laugh. This one happened to be fun. Some are a nightmare. They are never the same and you never know what you are walking into. This was in the Ritz Carlton in Orlando and was a sweet gig. While the awards were being given out I cooled my heels in the kitchen. I think it was Carson who said 'no matter how big you are you still have to enter through the kitchen.' The man was right. Luckily, Val was with me and was going to stand in the back of the room. Even if it sucked, I would at least get to see her and try to make her laugh. Well, once I was announced I took to the riser stage and was happily surprised by how receptive the crowd was. The best feeling is when a gig like that is over, it goes well, and you got a fat check in your pocket. Get the car, honey, we are going home.

The second gig of the week was in a bar in Sarasota. I've done this particular place before and usually have fun. On this night there was a small crowd and lots of empty tables near the bar. I sometimes feel like I should be well past a gig like this but the whore in me always kicks in and I take it. I still enjoy the freedom that a bar gig allows. Talk about no pressure. Anyway, I'm up there (again on a riser) and spewing my drivel. Suddenly a couple come in and sit at the bar right in front of me. Within a minute they get up to leave. I make some comment about this and the woman said something about a 'skank whore.' What? You don't hear this while performing for Chrysler. I ask what she means but she is out the door. The woman at the bar who this comment was directed to then said ' She's just pissed because I fucked her husband.' Perfect. Now I remember why I still do these gigs. She then tried to do her best to heckle but it was easy pickings for me. Like shooting fish in a barrel. I almost felt bad for her but the crowd, who obvioulsy knew her, loved it, and isn't that why I was there? Actually, I was there to try out a couple of new jokes and pick up a few bucks in the process.

Anyway, that's what makes performing interesting. One night it's the Ritz Carlton, the next a bar in Sarasota. I'm at SideSplitters in Tampa tomorrow night. God only knows what is in store for me.

Want to feel old? Kids entering college this year were born in 1985???

12

9-17-03 9:47AM

It's time for me to leave Bermuda and get the hell home. Enough already. My work here is done. Then again, is it ever really done? Does anyone remember laughter? Always wondered why Plant felt the need to ask that. If you don't know the reference please leave the site immediately. Really. You are not wanted here. Okay, buy a CD before leaving, but then get your ass out of here.

Speaking of CDs, I am starting the first of what will be many contests. This one is for a free 'Comedy Hell' or 'Late Night Comedy' CD. It goes to the first person who can give me the title of this lyric. 'Someday we'll evaporate together.' Good luck.

Let me go...

11

9-14-03 5:31PM

Great to be back in NYC. Que Pasa NY? Que Pasa NY? Met my buddy John for some breakfast and while dining heard a loud thud from the table behind us. Seems a guy had went down head first. His girlfriend/wife reacted rather calmly as she lifted his head and gently spoke to him. He then went into a seizure, which sent a few tables into fast 911 calls. Before anyone knew what happened, he snapped to and asked 'What happened?' When the Police arrived they asked if this had ever happened before and he answered, 'No.' Wow, that can't be good. I hope he went straight to the hospital for some tests. John and I, although slightly shaken, went straight to Mercury Bar for some Bud.

Sat and watched the Jets do their thing. It's a difficult task being a Jet fan. I am sort of a closet fan as my Dad was a big fan and I grew up watching his suffering. They love to tease their fans with the hint of victory only to lose in the end. Things got so bad around 1979, that my Father, couldn't bear to watch the last 5 minutes of a game. He would stand in the other room and asked me what happened after each play. I guess that's why I turned my allegiance to the NY Football Giants. There is pain but not Jet pain.

Anyway, it was good to be back in NYC even for a quick visit. It's now on to Bermuda and my destiny with Hurricane Isabel. Come on bitch! I dare you!

10

9-12-03 5:20PM

Man, double whammy this morning. Johnny Cash and John Ritter. Entertainment Tonight must be beside itself. How will they fit these two deaths in with their Bennifer coverage? Cash wasn't unexpected but Ritter? My favorite Ritter role was in 'Sling Blade,' his character of Dollar Store manger, Vaughn Cunningham.

Spent the day in Boston. This is the cruise that was supposed to go to Bermuda so we have some unhappy campers sailing along. Have to figure some of them are from Boston and Maine and probably aren't thrilled about sailing to their home states. Oh well. I don't mind. Haven't been to Boston in years. Sunday I'll be in NYC unless Hurricane Isabel has other plans for me. I intend on getting some breakfast and then watching football with my buddy John. Jets at 1:00pm. Then it's back to the ship for the Bucs at 4:00pm. My money is on the Bucs to repeat. You heard it here second.

9

9-09-03 4:30PM

Just wrapped a week on the Sovereign of the Seas. I had planned on stopping in NY before going on to Bermuda but Hurricane Fabian changed those plans. Fabian? Please. I guess Bobby Rydell and Frankie Avalon are next. Anyway, had plans to go to Yankee Stadium with my buddy John. Angel Hernandez, is working the game and left two tickets for me at the will call window. But because of Fabian, my plans were altered. Instead I caught a plane home and will spend the next 24 hours at the ranch with my bride. I then head off to Portland, Maine and get on the Nordic Empress. It's still scheduled to go to Bermuda, so we will see. I should be in NYC on Sunday so I plan on downing a few cold ones with Big Johnny before sailing off.

Just put the finishing touches on my new CD, "Late Night Comedy.' 50 minutes of clean comedy. You heard me right. I want to sell a few on the ships and they had problems with some of the language on my first CD, 'Live From Comedy Hell.' For those of you who like your comedy with a little spice, I recommend the first CD.

As my Father use to say 'Let me go...'

8

8-29-03 6:20AM

I am celebrating Labor Day Weekend in Laughlin, Nevada.I'm not sure what I did to piss off the Comedy Gods but they are definitely getting even with me this week. Never been to Laughlin? Let me paint you a picture. This is the kind of place the Devil, when asked if he has been here, says 'too hot.' Don Laughlin created this little hamlet for people who can't afford Las Vegas.Pull your RV up to the river, get wasted and gamble away your social security check. The average age is death. These are people who don't know from a dentist. Obese mullet sporting rednecks dragging huge coolers full of ice and Old Milwaukee. And you should see the men. (Thank you).

I did get the chance to work with Ritchie Minnervini this week. Haven't seen Ritchie in many years. He owned East Side Comedy on Long Island and gave many comics their start. Anyone who is anyone passed through his club.

4 more shows to go in Laughlin! Heading to the frozen tundra of Tampa on Monday. See ya!

7

8-8-03 5:15PM

This is a very exciting time for me. I have been corresponding with Barister Tunji Rhodes and without getting into too much detail, it looks like I could be coming into some major cache. I will be jetting off to Amsterdam to meet an associate of the Barristers', someone he describes as a 'pleasnat young man.' I probably shouldn't go much further into this until I am safely home with the trunk in my possesion. Like I said, a very exciting time.

Sorry to hear of Bob Hopes' passing. I gotta tell ya...I am quickly moving up the ladder of old time comics. Before I know it I'll be smoking my cigars in a velour jogging outfit and styling my hairpiece before the show.

Worked at the Comedy Stop in Atlantic City last week. Got to see my oldest friend, Tommy Limoli. I first met Tom in kindegarten in the now defunct, Sunrise Park school in Wantagh. I think condos now reside on the spot where we once ate paste and napped.

That's it kids. Till next time...

6

7-11-03 8:13PM

What a past few weeks. Gregory Peck, Buddy Hackett, Kate Hepburn and Barry White. Damn, yet somehow Bob Hope continues to suck air. I guess it shows that the comedy lifestyle pays off. Look at Berle, Burns, both cigar smoking, cocktail drinking joke tellers. Not sure if that really means anything but I enjoy fooling myself.

Worked at SideSplitters in Tampa last week. It was fun to be back on a comedy club stage enjoying the freedom that goes with it. 45 minutes of cursing and doing whatever the hell I felt like. One night I sang selected tunes from the musical 'Oliver.' Why? Why the hell not? When I left the stage, Maurice, the MC did not appear. Over the sound booth mike came the singing voices of owner Bobby Jewell and my wife Valerie. Pretty funny moment and the kind that can only happen on a Thursday night in a club. Out at sea and in Vegas it's pretty straight forward comedy. I even did a one niter in some place called Cortez Florida. Luckily, Val came with me and we were able to eat some overly fried sea food and have some laughs. Worked with the worst comic I have ever seen in all my years. I would write his name as he shouldn't be anywhere near a stage but thankfully my mind has purged it. It's nice to stretch the comedy muscles but it's also nice to be back on a real stage, performing in front of 600 people and getting paid a Kings ransom for doing what comes naturally. (Well, not really a Kings ransom, but it's a line from a Sprinsteen song that I dig).

Till next time...

5

5-12-03 2:20AM

I see Tommy Chong was arrested. That's important. I guess there is nothing going on in the world so why not arrest a 64 year old stoner comic. Please. I worked with Tommy a few years ago. He gave me the biggest joint my eyes have ever seen. He was exactly what you'd expect Tommy Chong to be. Maybe this will give him something new to talk about on stage.. Then again, maybe not.

I was in Key West last night. Hung out at Rick's Bar and talked with a retired NYC Cop who moved down a few months after 9-11. Grew his hair and a beardand has never been happier. I was easy to spot since I was wearing a Yankees cap and reading the NY Times. We downed a few Corona's and watched hoops. Not a bad way to spend an evening.

I am currently working on the Rhapsody of the Seas where I was able to record a new CD. I'll be hauling it to NY next week for some mixing and then should have it available on this site.

Till next time . . .

4

5-5-03 6:36PM

Just heard that Pete Townshend is cleared of those child porn charges. Just when I got back into the Who this shit broke and I am glad that it's over. I recently picked up a bootleg from a NJ concert in 2002 and it rocks! My agent, Tom just sent me a Phish concert where they perform the Beatles White Album in it's entirety. Between those discs one would think it's 1968 in my ride.

Who would have guessed that a big hypocritical blowhard like Bill Bennet would have some vice hiding in his closet? I have no problem with anyone who decides to toss their coins in a machine but try not to preach 'virtues' to us while doing it. Somehow, I am guessing this isn't the only little secret in Big Bills dirty laundry.

Val and I had dinner and drinks with the man who created this site, Rich and his wife Tracy. Killed a slab of ribs and washed it down with a few Harp beers. Great time.

Getting set to hit the road, er, sea on Friday. Going to be recording my new CD while I am out. Then we head to Maryland for the baptism of our niece, Olivia. Then to NY for a few days of R and R. We'll be in the Bronx to watch the Yanks and Sox at the Stadium. Looking forward to seeing everyone back East.

Gotta hit the rack. Good talkin' to y'all.

3

5-5-03 6:36PM

Happy Cinco de Mayo! I just got in from Vegas where everyday is a reason to drink and celebrate. I always look forward to working there and then can't wait to get the hell out. I had the chance to see some friends of mine, Howie and Bert, a juggling team that live in town. Bert was nice enough to swing by the Tropicana and come and fetch me. It was great to get off the strip and just chill out at a friends' house. Smoked some stogies and enjoyed a libation then it was back to the Trop for two shows. The new slogan in Vegas is ‘What happens here, stays here' sounds like a load of shit to me. Example, guy loses two grand shooting dice. Bank statement comes in a month, wife sees he took two g's out of the account and kicks his ass. Nothing stayed in Vegas. How about a guy who gets a hooker only to contract VD. He has it for life. Nothing stayed in Vegas!

I'm going to be recording a new CD next week while on the Voyager of the Seas. It should be available on this site in about a month. Keep checking back.

Gotta go grab a margarita!

2

4-23-03 1:36AM

The fact that Monica Lewinsky has a television show and I don't is really gnawing at my craw. Let's see, I've done stand-up comedy for over 10 years, been on numerous television programs and have made handfuls of people laugh. She blew a president and saved the dress. Oh, all right. It makes sense now. Sorry.I just lost a weekend in a Comedy Club. Well, I didn't lose it, the owner screwed me. This is why I like working for Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines. If for some reason, there was a booking error, I would be paid in full. There is never a problem. I go to the ship, perform a couple of shows in a beautiful theater where there are no waitresses dropping checks, no drunken assholes talking, no hacky comics to follow. The orchestra plays me on and I go up and tell my jokes. I am then a passenger with full status. Get a little sun, smoke a cigar, have a cocktail and head home. People ask me if I miss working the clubs full time. What do you think?

My sister, Linda and her husband Jim just welcomed their second child into the fold. Olivia Lillian Dore was born April 18, 2003. Obviously we are all thrilled. Valerie, my wife will be the Godmother. I am Godfather to their first child, Hannah Victoria. I'll get some pics up soon of the sisters.

1

4-20-03 6:50AM

Greetings folks. Thanks for taking the time to stop onto the site and checking it out. I'll try and post new entries here as often as possible. I'm currently enjoying a few days at the ranch before heading off to Vegas. I've been working the Comedy Stop at the Trop for years and always have a good time there. Vegas is the best. You can always count on a few friends from L.A. to make the trip and do some drinking and gambling. That doesn't happen when one is playing Boise.

Not sure who I'm working with but really, who cares? It's 14 shows in 7 nights. No matter who it is I'm going to be sick of hearing them as they will me. That's where the booze helps.

A few years ago I was working the Comedy Stop in Atlantic City and between shows went down to the casino to shoot some dice. I had about 20 minutes till the next show and as luck would have it I got the dice and couldn't lose. Couldn't throw a 7 for my life. Suddenly it was just about showtime and I had to pass the dice and get to the club. Some old guys at the end were making some nice bread during this roll and began to freak when they saw I was leaving. They began to ask me how much I made at the Stop. I told them it wasn't the point and they said they would pay me my salary to continue to shoot the dice. I told them I was sorry and to seek some help. Still, I haven't had a roll like that in years. Maybe that's why I quit gambling.